A ying always has a yang… therefore in contrast to the recent post I did about being a real man, I figured it would be fitting to write one aimed at the ladies (this includes girls, teeny-boppers & MILF’S). Another reason is because a reader of mine insisted I put forth my philosophy on the female species… and this I thought, was like asking to play with fire. And since I’m all about that shit, I decided to give her what she wants and go forward with it and write it out as a letter.

Before we go forward, you should realize that this is one (extremely handsome) man’s point of view on women… after spending a lot of time with women. So don’t take it as something that is written in stone. A few of you might get frustrated, others might drop their jaws in shock and many of you will be hate-mailing, or love-mailing me. Still, I’ve found that a third person perspective is generally very accurate. It’s like when women say “guys are all about their ego! If they get lost somewhere, they’ll never ask for directions”… to which we of course say “bullshit!”. Truth of the matter is, I’ve found myself denying being lost and not asking for directions on numerous occasions. So go figure. Now that we got that shit outta the way, let’s get to it.

Dear fantasy woman,

You precious thing you. While I love your ways, I think that in today’s society there are a few fundamental thoughts and beliefs that you should adapt, because doing so will make your life much easier and less complicated (mine too). Consequently, there are a few things that you need to seriously stop doing. As a man, I have things I need to stop doing as well… but I’d have to hear it from you first hand. Till then, sit back and hear what I have to say. The first thing I wanted to talk about is…

Communication Clues

The amount of times I have heard you say “get a clue” is probably staggering. What’s even more staggering is the fact that you just haven’t figured it out yet have you? I can’t get a clue! I’m not sure why you love communicating VIA encrypted codes and emotional behaviours but it confuses the shit outta me and every other guy on this planet.

For example, if you’re pissed off or mad, you’ll do some crazy random things that demonstrate what you’re feeling. Why the demonstration? It takes me like half an hour to figure out that something’s up. Then when I finally do figure it out through random guess work, you’ll confuse me even more. Why do you do this to me?

Like, I’ll finally nail the issue and be like “Oh, you’re mad aren’t you? What’s wrong, what did I do?”… and what will you respond with? “Nothing!”. Really? Nothing? Well then why the pouty face, burrowed brow and a nasty, piercing death gaze? Save us both some time and say “Fuck you, I’m pissed at you for XYZ reason!”

Trust me on this, a real man will appreciate your straight-forwardness and honesty. It might even turn us on. We men are logical creatures, so telling us that you’re mad = we assume that you’re mad. Telling us “nothing is wrong” = we think nothing’s wrong. Don’t drop hints sweetheart, smack me in the face with real-ness. And sometimes on the ass too.

The Orgasm Debate

This one has been talked about quite often. I’ve heard your cries melady…  “Is it wrong to fake an orgasm with your man?”, “Will I hurt his feelings?”, “Does it mean that I’m not being true and honest with him?”

…NO! It doesn’t mean shit.

I’m going to be honest and tell you something crazy. You ready for this? It doesn’t matter if you fake it or don’t fake it… as long as I hear some kind of sexy noise coming outta you, I’ll be happy as hell. Remember that ego? While having self esteem is much better than having ego, that’s not going to change anytime soon. Most men care about their ego, and they want to know they can please their women. So go ahead  you naughty beast. Fake it, scream it or go absolutely bonkers with it. Louder the better I say. Talk dirty, talk trashy and talk like a dominatrix. Men really don’t give a shit as long as you’re making us think were awesome… even at times when we’re not.

The Washroom Date

Baby, this one has always baffled me, so please write back to me and lay this mysterious phenomenon to rest. First of all, why the do you always need to grab your girlfriend to go to the washroom with you? Can you not manage it alone? Are you so messy that you need your friends to act as a clean-up crew? Or do they suspend each leg in the air while you exert toxins out of your body? Furthermore, can you not see I’m talking to your cute friend, and the last thing I need is for you to take her away for an involuntary pee break? C’mon now.

Second of all, what the hell takes you so damn long? Let’s say you do need help peeing… still, no human can take a piss for 20 god damn minutes. The longest pee I’ve ever experienced was two minutes long at a new years party. Let’s double that because you have to sit down. Four minutes. Let’s throw in another minute for hand washing and giggling since you’re so adorable. Five minutes does not equal twenty sweetheart! Get your ass out of the washroom and also, please return your friend in the same position from where you took… no, stole her from. If she was on my lap, put her back on there. If we were dancing, throw her back into my groove. It took me half an hour to achieve where I got and I don’t need you un-doing my hard work.

Men Are Visual… Get Over It!

Don’t take this the wrong way darling, you know I love you and all. But the next time you say something like “oh my god, I can’t believe you just checked out my ass so blatantly!”… I need you to burn your LuLu lemon pants and bend over for a spanking from daddy, because you clearly do not understand men in general. Not one bit. Men aren’t shallow and we don’t “look” because we want to creep you (though some are creepy, I understand). No, men are wired this way. Let me repeat that, “men are wired to be visual creatures”. No amount of bitching or whining will solve this.

I’m gonna give you the reasoning behind it. Hundreds of thousands of years ago when our club bearing ancestors were roaming around, there was no such thing as “dating”, “marriage” or any of that social stuff we have today. Men simply saw what we wanted and either took it or fought other men for it. We haven’t changed fundamentally, just the social society has changed due to laws. The proof is in the pudding, as now we have guys in jail who rightfully punched a douchebag in the face when he stepped up to their wives or girlfriends with the intention of seduction.

Another thing people don’t realize is that like cavewomen, the cavemen were also at a risk of dying when mating with other females… it’s called disease. A simple cold could most probably wipe you out back then so we had to be careful and make sure the partners we selected were healthy. How did we do this? Did we Google them and ask for their medical history? Of course not. We looked at visual health indicators!

Does she have long, luscious hair? Good, that mean’s she is well fed and probably won’t get sick.

Does she have nice skin? Good that means she’s well hydrated and has a high chance of survival.

Does she have a sexy hour-glass figure? Good that means her body can support the birth of a child and she won’t die on me leaving me along with a crying baby that will shit all over the place.

…And so on and so forth. Let me also say that these thoughts aren’t conscious in us men. I know I’m attracted to long hair, I just don’t know why (till i did the research).

So while I do love your solid personality, don’t think for a second that I won’t give another hottie a full look-down if she passes me by. I’m wired to be attracted to a feminine woman, just as you are wired to be attracted to a masculine man such as myself… so stop your hating, ok? Now go put on that cute red dress. I like the way it hugs your ass.

Never Answer The Most Profound Question In The World

Now listen, while I said I wanted to know the mystery behind the whole washroom thing… there is one question I hope you never, ever answer. And that is, “what do women want?”. It’s a string of words that have caused men to devote their lives to answering, only to come around full circle and realize that it cannot be answered. It is a string of words that everyone, for some reason desperately wants to know the answer to… which is exactly why it should be kept a mystery. It’s entertaining for me to watch them fail so hardcore because the truth is, I doubt even you know what you want. I mean if you did, you would have asked for it by now… and that’s assuming you didn’t change your mind eighteen thousand times a minute.

But that’s ok, changing your mind is what you do. It’s what keeps me on my toes and keeps me chasing you… even when you frustrate the living shit out of me. I hope that the words in this letter haven’t pissed you off to much, but if they have… then don’t drop clues. Just let me know. I’m a big boy, I can take it. So till next time, stay sexy and consider taking up pole dancing. No, I don’t want you to be a stripper… but it excites me to know that you secretly possess the skills of one.

Love,

Your Jerk.

Content originally written by FitJerk for www.fitjerk.com – © 2010 All Rights Reserved By The Respective Owners – This post is NOT to be republished without author consent under any forms of media (including print, internet, video or audio transcription). Doing so is a violation against copyright law and should be punishable by a punch to the face.

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© 2010, By FitJerk. FitJerk.com is a division of Flawless Fitness Media – All Rights Reserved – No part of this post is to be republished without author consent under any forms of media (including print, internet, video or audio transcription). Doing so is a violation against copyright law and should be punishable by a punch to the face. All images are copyright of their respective owners.

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