You know, when I first got into the whole fitness and health scene, it used to surprise me what people would believe and fall for. My brown forehead was red from the incredible amount of times I face palmed myself in disbelief and muttered, “Fuck me… people actually fell for that shit?!”

But I’ve learned to cope. Now, I don’t smack myself anymore since I expect something insane to pop up every now and again. And when it does pop up, I exercise my duty to blast, bash and reveal it’s absurdity to the public… in hopes that someday in someplace I might help out a poor soul that is frightened and confused. And I also do it for my regulars, who email me, saying that I am “effing hilarious”.

So what’s on FJ’s chopping block today? It’s called The Belly Burner. Is it just me, or does the name of the product already sound hazardous and full of rabbit shit? The BellyFat Burner would have made more sense, but instead… this makes it sound like some sort of murderous tool which will scorch your belly entirely. You’ll be a stomach-less freak. Eat all you want and you’ll never get fat. Interesting product idea… I could’ve come up with a better concept after 10 shots of tequila, juggling kitchen knives and having my ears bleed from sitting through a Justin Bieber album.

But what the product actually is (for those that haven’t seen the endless commercials), is a cheap and flimsier imitation of an actual powerlifting/olympic weight belt that is used to support your lower back. But support is not what this does… oh no. It “turns up the heat” and targets belly fat so that you can have a 6 pack while the fat from your arms and thighs can hang around and watch the amazing transformation. I’m not sure how these morons are still getting away with “spot reduction” claims but it’s getting really annoying – and it should be an immediate red-flag. It should send off your BS sirens louder then the time when Paris Hilton said “I don’t know how cocaine got in my purse!”.

Those that don’t know, spot reduction is a supposed method that if you exercise one area of the body, that’s where you’ll lose the fat. Nonsense. You lose fat evenly and all over the body. The only way you’ll drop fat from a specific area is if that’s how your body wants to lose the fat. It’s based on your genetics… and unless you know how to manipulate your hormones through supplementation, it’s pretty much impossible.

One Size Fits All?

Another thing that made me laugh is how they are targeting this to anyone and everyone. In their ad, they have 2 pictures of really obese people and then cross out their stomachs with a huge “X”… which apparently is a scientific way to express how you’ll drop the fat off your stomach. Just a big X and bam! It will be gone in a few days. Right.

But that’s not what bugs me the most, what bugs me is the fact that they think wrapping a belt around someone so big will be effective. If your belly is about as big as shown in the picture, you’ll need some serious professional help and a real plan… not some fabric belt around your gut.

Then there is the price of The Belly Burner. It was surprising to see how many people failed to read the fine print. Everyone thought the belt was like 8 bucks while in reality you’ll be charged about $50. So to make sure no one else misses the fine print, I’ve taken a whole 5 seconds out of my time and pointed out the actual price of the whole unit. Take a look below…

Sneaky of them eh? I thought so. Big ups to their marketers I guess… they know what they’re doing. Another thing they managed to do (by throwing some cash around, no doubt) is get a few low calibre celebrity endorsements. The funniest one was Carlos Mencia; the faggot stand up comedian whom HBO took off the air and fired after they found out that he plagiarized and has been plagiarizing like 90% of the jokes in his stand up act. If you don’t know the whole history of Mencia, I suggest you look it up. Specially how Joe Rogan ripped him to shreds. Carlos has stolen jokes from many, many stand up comedians, including ones that have opened from him previously! And look what it did to his career; Rogan has verbally smashed him, he apparently got his ass beat by George Lopez and now he is going around collecting table scraps by “endorsing” scam belly fat products.

Nothing adds credibility to a product like a plagiarizing douchebag. I guess one scam compliments the other. If that was their logic while making their commercials then bravo, it sure makes sense on some kind of out-worldly level. Unfortunately, I’m a down-to-earth kinda guy so I’ll never understand. Maybe one day someone can explain it to me.

A Better Alternative

So, do you want to burn off your belly and “feel the heat” during a workout? Well if lactic acid build up and a naturally increased blood flow to your muscles wasn’t enough, you can use FJ’s following belly burning method to get even more out of your workouts. It’s called wrap to lose water weight! Maybe after a hit of LSD and listening to Justin Bieber I’ll come up with a more attractive name but the method is simple:

Wrap your body with my special body wrap tape, hit up the gym do your workout and then go into a sauna and do jumping jacks till you pass out. Upon waking up, get on a scale and marvel at how you lost 5lbs in just a few hours! And for a limited time, I will send you the special body wrap for just $5 + shipping. And after 30 days, you’ll only pay another $37. And after those 30 days you’ll be charged something called a “stupid tax”. Important: Please ignore any wordings and brandings on the special body tape packaging. The word “Seran” is actually an acronym for Super Effective Ripped Abdominals Now.

Here’s to burning off your belly.

- FitJerk

Content originally written by FitJerk for www.fitjerk.com – © 2010 All Rights Reserved – This post is NOT to be republished without author consent under any forms of media (including print, internet, video or audio transcription). Doing so is a violation against copyright law and should be punishable by a punch to the face.

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© 2010 – 2012, By FitJerk. FitJerk.com is a division of Flawless Fitness Media – All Rights Reserved – No part of this post is to be republished without author consent under any forms of media (including print, internet, video or audio transcription). Doing so is a violation against copyright law and should be punishable by a punch to the face. All images are copyright of their respective owners.

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