It was a sunny summer day in 2003 when I left work and walked to my local Planet Fitness. I was an aspiring muscle builder with big hopes and big dreams, and this gym was cheap. What more could you ask for? It was chest day and I was quite anxious to get back in the gym because they had done some remodelling. I walked in, went over to my bench area and to my horror – there was no bench! Wtf? Where’s the bench and the plates and the barbell? I was hurt.

Well maybe they have a flat bench and some dumbbells. Wait, where are the heavy dumbbells?? I quickly tracked down a clerk and expressed my frustration. He explained that they “no longer wanted people getting big in the gym”. I cancelled my membership that day and never looked back. So as you can imagine, this post today is my personal stab at Planet Fitness, or should I say, Planet Wimpy [FJ: I prefer to call it Planet Fatness myself]. Here are the 7 reasons that place sucks.

1. Lunk Alarm

The thing that sets them apart and the icon of their gym that they are so proud of is the most idiotic idea I’ve ever heard of. Who’s quiet when they go to the gym? Granted, I hate to hear guys gossiping like some little girls at the bar when I’m in the gym, but it’s the place where a man can be a man. Where you can grunt and make your “O Face” in public without shame. I personally try to look as mean as possible and stick my tongue out and grunt all I can. It’s the sign of a passionate lifter. So why alarm me and threaten to throw me out if I’m just being myself? Their philosophy is “a place where everyone can be comfortable”. Well, I’m comfortable grunting.

2. Their Judgment Free Zone

Again, one of their trademarks that makes them stick out like a sore thumb. The whole idea behind the Judgment Free Zone is to cater to women basically [FJ: Actually, more like misinformed women and dimwit weaklings]. There, I said it. Most guys don’t care. We go to the gym to judge each other. Everyone is looking around at everyone else thinking “yeah, I’m bigger than that guy” or “wow, that guy’s arms a huge…what do I have to do to get arms like that” or “that chick is hot”. I personally walk around in compression shirts to look as ripped as possible so I can turn heads. This whole Judgment Free Zone just makes real lifters feel irritated. It’s like when you walk in there, you get the feeling “you’re not wanted here”. Like the old Cheers theme “I wanna be in a place where I belong”. The Judgment Free Zone just isn’t it. It’s meant to create a “relaxing environment”, but I can’t relax without a heavy dumbbell in my hand and wondering if I’m being too loud. I thought this was the gym, not the library.

[FJ: Isn’t it also ironic how the “Judgement Free Zone” judges people who can actually lift some heavy shit and stand strong? It’s more like the “Judge People Who Are Better Than You” Zone. You know who came up with this idea? A panzy who plateaued at the 25lbs Dumbbell]

3. No Trainers

Most gyms have a hefty staff of personal trainers on hand. This is another money-making avenue, but also a big help for people that need that extra push to get in shape. The Planet Fitness next to my house only has two trainers and when I went in to speak with one, they weren’t in that day. Huh? I’m a very motivated guy and I know my way around the gym. But I know everyone isn’t in my boat. There are a lot of people that need help and are willing to pay for it.

I’m also a savvy marketer, so when there’s supply, I will demand. Planet Fitness is leaving tons of money on the table by neglecting a large part of the market. I know they’re flaunting their $10 price tag (I’ll get to that in a minute) but like the old saying goes, “you get what you pay for”.

[FJ: I have a feeling that the real reason they don’t have trainers is because any respectable trainer will tell them their gym is retardedly ill-equipped and they wouldn’t be caught dead working in a place with a fucking alarm that prevents their clients from doing hard work.]

4. Tanning Rooms

Ok, what is this about? When I saw this, I knew they’d gone totally “health spa” on me and it was really time to leave. Think about it for a second – do you really want to be lifting next to a Snooki from Jersey Shore? What’s that saying about your ‘gymhood’? The tanning salon and the weight room should be in two separate buildings altogether. I’m having trouble understanding how they go together (maybe cause I’m black).

This is a total contradiction to their mantra of “cutting the fat”. They boast about not having salespeople (just a bunch of teenagers at the front desk who have no clue what they’re doing) and no juice bar (I actually use this from time to time when I need a snack or shake), yet they have tanning rooms (which I’ll never use)?? Again, this place is meant for weaklings that have no clue what they are doing.

5. Lack of Free Weights

The first thing you see when you walk in this place is an endless row of cardio equipment. Besides the fact that elliptical machines, treadmills, that weird gazelle looking thing, and bikes are USELESS for building muscle – they are telling you loud and clear what they want you to do when you’re in there. You look around, and there are machines everywhere. Ab machines (useless), Smith machines (almost useless), and on and on. Machines have their place from time to time for a little variety, but if you’re really serious about building a ripped body, free weights are the way to go, hands down! So just by the mere lack of free weights and abundance of machines, they tell you who they’re catering to – WOMEN. C’mon man. Get off the gazelle looking thing and do some hill sprints! [FJ: Specially women!]

6. The Color Purple

Again, the first thing you notice when you walk in is purple and gold everywhere. This place doesn’t look like a normal gym, just by the color scheme. I know purple represents royalty, but I doubt that’s the case here. Frankly, all that purple makes me sick to my stomach. I can’t press hard on some Smith Machine squats (because they took the squat rack away) while looking and a purple “thumbs up” – it just throws my vibe off.

7. The Price

Yeah, I said it. The price. In this case, you get what you pay for. If you’re too lazy to go to a real gym and pay just a little bit more for real results, you deserve to be stuck in “fitness hell” (that’s what this place reminds me of with all the colors and it’s weirdness). Man up, go to a real gym or invest in your own home gym equipment and get ripped. Clearly this place is for overweight women and pansy men. Oh, and by the way, cancelling that $10 is like trying to get rid of an obsessive ex. I’ve had several clients complain that they couldn’t cancel the payment, even after switching bank accounts! That’s what you get when you make a deal with the devil.

So I hope I’ve put this matter to rest. If you’re a guy attending this gym, question your manhood, then switch. If you’re a woman and you love it, great. Although anyone looking to get some real results needs to find another place to get in shape. And just to wrap this up, here’s what happens when a real lifter encounters Planet Fitness.

I love it! That’s what happens when you upset the Grunt God.

About the Author: Mitchell Graves is a personal trainer and author of the book “Rapid Ripped Abs”. Visit his site today at http://rapidrippedabs.com for more great fat burning and six pack tips. Getting a six pack has never been easier.

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