First of all… the whole term “lose weight” is false. Even when people really really mean it, no one actually wants to lose “weight”. They want to lose the fat. Unattractive, jiggly, mushy, gross fat. Muscle is advantageous in almost every way, which is why you never hear most (intelligent) people say “i want to lose quality mass”.
Now that we’ve made that distinction very clear, let me show you a new, revolutionary and completely retarded way of “losing weight”. I mean, late night infomercials have come up with some real doozies over the past, but this new method is taking shit to a whole new level.
It’s called SlimBand™, and its absolutely outrageous.
So what’s SlimBand™? The site is a little dodgy on the details so I’ll sum it up for you: It’s known as Laparoscopic Band Surgery. What they do is surgically implant a little band which strangles the upper most region of your stomach (since that’s where the “feel full” signal is located). Then, they periodically keep tightening it… I assume so that it makes you “feel full” more often with less food. But that’s not all, you get a 4 year after care program where nutritionists help you eat a healthy diet and help you get active.
Oh and it gets better, here’s an excrept from the site: “Immediately following your surgery, with the post-op menu guidelines, you may find that you lose weight fairly quickly. After the healing period, when you return to your normal diet, you should lose between one to two pounds per week…”
Really Slimband? 1-2 pounds/week is what you’re suggesting people will lose after they undergo your insanely expensive surgical weight loss procedure? Listen up you loonballs, I’ve helped people drop 3-4 lbs in one week without surgically implanting a restrictive belt around their fucking waist with E-Training. Oh yeah, and for a fraction of the cost!
Let’s dig in even further…
“It’s important that the Slimband™ be properly adjusted, and that you follow our recommendations so you can lose those excess pounds and achieve your goal weight. Ultimately, the amount of weight you lose depends on you, keep in mind that the Slimband™ is a tool. If you maintain healthy food choices, start becoming more physically active, and have your Slimband™ routinely adjusted, you should not gain any weight back, even a few years after surgery…”
Note that statement in bold. I’ll regurgitate it, just to drive a point home: Slimband by itself won’t help much with weight loss, you still need to watch what you eat. Funny, because their marketing message speaks a completely different language. Take a look at one of their ads below, they are blasting these out everywhere on the Google network:
Now honestly, what the fuck is a desperately overweight person supposed to think when they see this ad? It’s sending across a message that says “you can achieve weight loss and well being without paying any attention and/or effort to your eating habits”. Or am I just out of my mind?
But wait a minute, didn’t they just say that you still need to maintain healthy food choices and stay active? Hmm… make up your damn mind Slimband. Alright, now let’s look at their final statement:
“…When using the Slimband™ properly, weight loss is a long-term and sustainable result.”
You know what else is sustainable? A HEALTHY LIFESTYLE that doesn’t revolve around a belt implanted and tied around your stomach. What really screws with my head is their flawed logic. See, if people did maintain healthy food choices in the past, then obesity wouldn’t be a problem in the first place. So what makes them think that their patients will pick up these new food habits and guidelines after having the surgical procedure done? A bad habit is a bad habit… change that and you can change your life.
On top of all this bullshit, I gotta say that their claims for weight loss results aren’t any better than the popular diet programs. Why would you pay 100x the amount? In the past, I wasn’t aware of the costs involved with this outrageous procedure since… surprise surprise, Slimband’s website didn’t want to tell you.
“It Costs How Much?!”
Well after further research I now have a fairly accurate number. You ready to hear this? You might want to sit down. The cost of having a band around your stomach and losing approximately 2 measly pounds a week is… *drum roll* $2,900 down + $389/month!
Nope that’s not a typo. This procedure will cost you the down payment of a brand new car and a monthly payment that could cover a proper gym membership, a trainer, all the groceries you could need for the month and maybe some left over cash for a movie. And that’s not even the worst part… no, the worst part is that they won’t tell you how many months you need to keep paying those $389. My guess would be for a minimum of 12 months. This brings the total cost to $4668!
Update: I’ve finally found the number of months a person would need to keep paying… and upon reading what I saw, I almost fainted. It’s 48 months… that’s four years! This brings your total to $21,572. Yeah that’s right, over twenty-fucking-grand. No one in their right mind should pay this much money to achieve a result that is so brain-dead simple.
Home Made SlimmingBand Solution
Alright, time to have some fun. Let’s say that for some preposterous reason, you want to consider the SlimBand™ because you can’t seem to apply the advice on this blog. What to do? Well I have a solution for you… use your own “slimming” belt! Grab a simple, extra long $10 belt from Wal-Mart and then tie it around your gut. Not so tightly that you can’t breathe, but tight enough to cause some tension and slight discomfort. Keep this on you 8 hours a day. Ta-Da! A “Slimband” without the surgery.
After thinking about it for a while, I realized that my insanely sarcastic idea might actually be effective to some degree. Ronnie Coleman recently used this exact method, (though with a proper weight belt). He tied it around his waist and actively squeezed his abdominals throughout all of his workouts… even if he didn’t need the belt. Since bodybuilders train 2x a day (or in a long single session) it’s fair to say that he had the belt on tight for a few hours at a time.
On top of that, the fact that he actively squeezed his abdominals was a given that some type of result would come out of it. And what do you know… he had nothing but great things to say about this little method. And it makes sense, when you workout a muscle and/or constantly keep it contracted, it just becomes “tighter”… and feels more “dense”. Have you ever stopped working out for like a week and feel as if your muscles have kind of lost their “tone”? Well it’s not that you lost muscle mass… just the tightness is gone. Speaking in layman’s terms here.
Try and out and see what happens… just please, stay away from a crazy surgical procedures. If you are hell bent on surgery, then why not go all the way and just do lipo? Makes sense to me.
UPDATE:
After doing a bit more hunting around, I found out exactly how this band works and the surgical procedure that you must go through. Check out THIS VIDEO
Still doesn’t change my opinion. How about you?
- FitJerk
This entire article is merely my opinion as “FitJerk” and exercises my god-given right to free speech. I am in no way affiliated, related to or work for SlimBand™, nor do I have any agenda towards them. All images belong to their respective owners that hold the copyright. Greed infested lawyers… don’t bother trying to fuck with me. Thank you.
Also, be sure to check out the brand new Social Fitness Site called Fitmarker!
loading...
February 8, 2010
#1
loading...
People actually believe this crap? And they pay for surgery? I think I’ve been to a doctor twice since I was a child, and one was because I had pneumonia. I hate the thought of surgery, especially for something like this!
And how on earth did they come up with this? Did they sit there late at night thinking “what’s the most ridiculous thing we could do to screw people into thinking they’re going to lose weight”?
I have never heard of the Slimband until I read this, and when I first heard the name I thought it was going to be something along the lines of the Flex Belt or something, but this is beyond nuts.
And pretty much every one of those infomercial product says it works “with diet and exercise”. Interesting, since proper diet & exercise alone will burn off all the fat you want…
This kind of stuff downright pisses me off.
Shawn
P.S. I love the little disclaimer at the end
February 25, 2010
#2
loading...
Not just believe, people actually fall for this crap. Spend thousands of dollars and then you have to watch your eating habits later on anyways.
FAIL.
February 8, 2010
#3
loading...
Love the blog post! I see these ads all day long and just can’t get it!
February 9, 2010
#4
loading...
Yeah that’s kind of how I stumbled up on this shit. Kept bugging me so I decided to check it out… then I almost threw up with disgust. Anyways, updated the post with video if you want to know what the procedure looks like.
February 9, 2010
#5
loading...
I lol’ed at your disclaimer. bravo.
February 9, 2010
#6
loading...
Any more details on Colemans technique ?
I have abs… my problem is that since i did a year of weighted ab training they clearly protrude… With a tshirt you could think its fat…
Please a detailed article with all the techniques to FLATTEN my 6 pack…
February 25, 2010
#7
loading...
No, I don’t have any further details. But I assume there isn’t much to it. When you train frequently, your muscles DO feel firmer and harder. The details as to why is complicated but know that this is the idea behind the technique.
You are CONSTANTLY flexing and squeezing those abs. I actually tried this out for the past week and the 7th and 8th pack are almost visible with 0 diet changes. Incredible stuff… so I now consider Ronnie’s method personally verified.
As for your specific problem, you need to change your eating habits. I train with heavy weights for abs and I don’t have a protruding stomach. Are you sure you ain’t bloated or some shit? 90% of problems can be nailed by looking at the food log. Try this method and report back as to the results you see.
February 9, 2010
#8
loading...
Oh my god!
What’s next? I just can’t believe that someone is actually doing this. It’s just sick.
February 10, 2010
#9
loading...
Love the disclaimer as well!
I know some people get the lapband surgery & other procedures like that & it does work to help them IF they follow the rules & also realize the consequences & eat right & exercise after it.
BUT, this crap & all the BS that goes along with it & people that do this without even trying to do the hard work . It is an excuse for many not to do the hard stuff.
I had never heard of this!
February 13, 2010
#10
loading...
I’ve tried various low-carb, low-calorie, and low-fat diets for the past couple of years. Although the Atkins diet is very popular, it made me feel somewhat unhealthy.
The diet plan I’m on right now is the Medifast Diet. The caloric intake is roughly 800-1000 calories. However, it doesn’t make my body feel weak. It is a bit of a pricey diet, but there are plenty of coupons available on the internet.http://www.swoopup.com/stores/deals/Medifast-Diet
.You should never pay full price.
My advice is just choose a diet plan which your body reacts positively to. No one knows your body better than you do!
February 15, 2010
#11
loading...
Very nice and informative article, let me share my fitness story with dear readers. I used to be very fit and athlete, but with the passage of time I became lazy and developed a habit of eating and sleeping along with no exercise. Which deposited around 25 – 30 Kilo of fat into my stomach, face, legs and all over my body? Everyday when I looked in the mirror I had thought today I will start exercising, which was clearly a false promising to myself, again with the passage of time I realized now enough is enough I have to do something to get rid of this fat. So I stepped on to the thread mill and started running 40 Minutes everyday at 9 Miles per hour. Right after finishing a marathon every day I then take the free weight and start building my shoulders and biceps, chest and etc. 3 Days continues exercise and 2 days rest which continued over the period of 3 months and I have now lost 22 Kilo of fat and I have started to look young and energetic once again. I recommend everyone who is facing the same symptoms of fatness try to get fit, it is really easy and not difficult at all. Thank you
February 17, 2010
#12
loading...
I always thought that this was for people grossly overweight (like 500 lbs.) who have failed with non-surgical fat and weight loss methods. My understanding is that it can be removed once it has served its purpose.
February 25, 2010
#13
loading...
Even IF you are grossly overweight, you will still have to watch what you eat, you will still have to perform physical activity etc. I believe it can be removed but why insert it in the first place? The point is that if you are going to have a surgical procedure done… might as well go with one that takes the fat away instantly. The cost to effort ratio with Slimband makes absolutely NO sense. Specially with the weight loss claims.
February 24, 2010
#14
loading...
Man it is sad to see what the world has come to, at least in the US. People don’t even try any more …. Screw effort, you can change your life with surgery!
I know someone who’s had the surgery and is gaining weight back. Funny, none of that shit works until you change mentally.
February 25, 2010
#15
loading...
They gained it back eh? Hah, why am I not surprised. Big ups for sharing.
March 13, 2010
#16
loading...
Yes people want everything handed to them without working for it. They can get surgery to lose weight so why eat right? They can take medication to lower their cholesterol so why stop eating steak and fast food. People just want to sit back and watch tv while they lose weight.
March 21, 2010
#17
loading...
Yep, definitely sounds like the mindset of 95% of the population. The lazy ass species that we are.
March 23, 2010
#18
loading...
wow…..too bad we dont have a band strong enough to keep your big mouth shut.
March 24, 2010
#19
loading...
You’re right, a band like that doesn’t exist… and it never will cuz’ freedom of speech is fuckin band-proof. Get it? Got it? Good stuff.
April 1, 2010
#20
loading...
hahahaha. Your an idiot.
April 2, 2010
#21
loading...
Ha-ha… I’m glad you have a sense of humor. It’s just too bad it doesn’t make up for your lack of intelligence.
April 28, 2010
#22
loading...
Yeah, the Slimband sounds pretty ridiculous.
I think it might be interesting for you to know I’ve read a few articles lately that say studies have found the ONLY way to reduce fatty internal tissues (the worst kind: the tissues which lie around your organs) is to exercise regularly. A diet won’t cut it. It also mentioned that many people who are naturally skinny, but eat poorly and don’t exercise, are likely more unhealthy that overweight people who eat well and exercise regularly.
So really, this Slimband is only effective in terms of appearance, not in health, unless its lazy, unhealthy patrons decide to get really fit post-operation.
June 1, 2010
#23
loading...
I want to counter some misconceptions in on this board about Slimband, which is an effective weightless solution for more than 4000 people.
Surgery is not the first choice for Slimband patients, but it’s often their last choice. These people have significant weight to lose (100 pounds or more is not uncommon), and they have tried all of the diets out there, only to lose some weight then gain it all back. These people have done all they could on their own and they had no lasting results until they tried Slimband.
Slimband is a much safer, reversible and healthier alternative to a gastric bypass procedure, which is not reversible and is major surgery. The Slimband procedure takes only 30 minutes and the patient can go home the same day.
The procedure is laparoscopic surgery, also known as laparoscopy or “key-hole” surgery, which is a minimally-invasive method of performing a procedure. It is commonly associated with abdominal operations. A series of tiny incisions are made in order to insert miniature cameras and special instruments that can be manipulated by the surgeon externally. The advantage is minimal scarring from incisions, a shorter hospital stay, and a greatly reduced recovery period.
See the Slimband site for dramatic before and after photos and success stories of Slimband patients at http://www.slimband.com
An interesting thing about Slimband is that 60% of their customer care associates are former weight loss surgery patients themselves.
July 15, 2010
#24
loading...
Hello dear Slimband representative. That was a very good reply and I’m sure your boss will be happy with that one. However, I also have one thing I want to counter you with.
“Paying $21,572 for weight loss is the most ridiculous and outrageous thing I’ve ever heard. NO ONE, not even the ones that CAN afford it should be paying this much to lose weight. EVER. It’s idiotic. You know it and I know it.”
To be frank, I don’t really care WHAT your success rate it, because there are just as many quality trainers who have a rate higher than what you have and let me tell you something… it didn’t cost their clients $21 grand. I’ve seen rip-offs in the diet industry and this has, by far, got to be one of the craziest ones I’ve ever seen.
July 15, 2010
#25
loading...
This entire article shows complete ignorance. Not only does the writer not understand how this surgery works plus the MANY benefits it offers to people unable to lose weight. He/she also says you have to watch what you eat anyways ?? Are you kidding me. this surgery makes it so U can EAT WHAT EVER YOU WANT. Just in small portions and still lose weight. But anyways your little biased and uneducated article makes me laugh. Have fun in your small world!! lol oo ya btw starting weight 323lbs. Weight now 184. But ya this doesnt work let me tell ya. Sarcasm gotta love it!
July 15, 2010
#26
loading...
Hmm… this foolish comment originated from the IP: 74.12.190.71. Let’s see if there are any others below by the same douche bag.
July 15, 2010
#27
loading...
ya the person who wrote this crap is an idiot lol.
He/she as U can see also gets really mad when people disagree with there views lol
what a sad little maggot indeed!
July 15, 2010
#28
loading...
OH LOOK! Another comment that originated from 74.12.190.71 just like the one above.
So it’s evident he hasn’t got a life. Let’s see what else he HASN’T got.
July 15, 2010
#29
loading...
Based on the amount of ignorance the writer has here. I got a good chuckle out of reading this prepubescent dribble!
“Really? 1-2 pounds/week is what you are suggesting they will lose after an expensive surgical weight loss procedure?”
That’s 1-2 pounds a week WITHOUT exercise and WITHOUT following a diet.
5-10 lbs a week can be maintained if you do both.
So your ability to help people lose 4 pretty sucks in comparison plus U haven’t helped them KEEP IT OFF!!
“Let’s dig in even further…”
Yes lets LOL cause pointing out your ignorance is really fun.
“You know what else is sustainable? A HEALTHY FUCKING LIFESTYLE that doesn’t revolve around a belt implanted in your gut”
Really?? It is just that easy eh?? Well if it was 50% of Americans wouldn’t be over-weight. Plz do refrain from ranting on with your obviously biased opinion.
“Also notice how they say “if you maintain healthy food choices”… guess what dumbasses? If people did maintain healthy food choices in the past, then this wouldn’t be a problem in the first place. ”
^^^ HAHAHAH You just proved your first comment wrong lol
at least you can see the light and might be on the road to finally understanding what you’re talking about. But I doubt it.
“So what makes you think they will pick up these food choices after having an uncomfortable band in their bodies?”
hrmmm Have U had this done? How do U know it is uncomfortable? Simple answer. YOU DONT! I have had this done and U do not feel the band at all. (I will revisit this once I make a mockery out of our 10$ fix LOLOL but we will get to that in a bit)
Since portion control is the major reason why people are overweight in the first place. Once U gain an understanding of what you should eat, it becomes second nature to eat less. Once you eat less you will notice you need to eat CORRECTLY to maintain vitamins and energy. That is something someone with an IQ higher than 40 will figure out (I guess you haven’t hit that yet)
“On top of all this, their claims for “weight loss” results aren’t any better than some of the faddish diet programs. Why would you pay 10x the amount? Ok to be fair I don’t know the exact amount it costs for this outrageous procedure, but it’s fair to say that you’ll go thin just thinking about the price.”
U didn’t even bother to look at the costs involved?
Do your research. lol (I can see why people already don’t take U seriously)
there is a 97% success rate for males and an 85% success rate for females. But if U actually talked to the clinics and other doctors that do not preform this surgery to get an unbiased opinion. U would have figured this out!
“I mean, they don’t mention the cost up front – you have to take a “consultation” so a sales person will call you, make you feel like shit till you give in. Perfect.”
The consultation was VERY pleasant the person was able to sympathize with me because they too have gone under the surgery. They also explained the cons flat out and didn’t hide anything. a great experience
again plz do some research LOL
(Are U starting to get tired of being told to do research? HA)
Let’s get to your $10 solution and the fact that you used Ronnie Coleman in it. Someone known to use steroids and methods of training that are by far worse for your body then this operation LOL
I find it funny that U recommended going to Wal-Mart. That in itself is a great injustice. lets support one of the leading companies in the world known for exploitation. Good one, sir!
“Grab a simple, extra long $10 belt from Wal-Mart and then tie it around your gut. Not so tightly that you can’t breathe, but tight enough to cause some tension and slight discomfort. Keep this on you 8 hours a day. Ta-Da!”
No matter where U put this belt. It will not control portion size. plus the weaker willed. Have the option of taking it off. Whereas the band they do not. So there are 2 major flaws in your home made band LOL
Doing this WILL make U feel uncomfortable and increase the likely hood that the weak willed. will simply take it off. Not a very good choice IMHO and a waste of $10. Just a thought but after losing the weight wouldn’t U have to buy a new belt?? Wouldn’t this then become a $20 home made fix? I only mentioned this because it further backs up my claims that you are a tool.
“If you are hell bent on surgery, then why not go all the way and just do lipo? Makes sense to me.”
Great spend $8,000 and put the weight right back on a few months later…
Because you havent learned portion control. Good one……
I dont say this much, but you sir are a complete and utter moron. With little fact to back up his outlandish claims.
I would go deeper into ripping your lame opinion apart. But LOL
I think this will be enough.
So again, junior. Next time before you rant. Plz do some research!
kk?thxbye!!!
July 15, 2010
#30
loading...
Baha, this response was ALSO generated from the same IP! 74.12.190.71. What, you didnt think I’d know what you tried to do? Well SURPRISE DUMBASS. You got caught trying to be sneaky. Goto failblog.org and send them your picture.
Seriously, not only are you a pathetic low life loser who’s pretending to be 3 people at once, you’re also the biggest moron to ever surface the face of the earth. It’s a good thing I have seriously low expectations from losers such as yourself, otherwise I’d be really upset about this shit stain of a comment you left on my site.
Where do I even being with you… Ok smartass, let’s address this COST issue. You’re telling me, that a $2900 down-payment for the surgery and then $389/month for the next FOUR fucking years is affordable? Get your head out of your soup bowl. (Source: slimband.com/pricing). I mean really, are you just extremely retarded or did your mom drop you on your fat face at an early age to see if you’d bounce? Even if a person lost 100lbs with Slimband, they would end up paying $215.72 PER POUND OF WEIGHT LOST (that’s $21,572 folks). For that kinda money, you should go buy yourself a KIA with a massive dildo on the front seat so you can haul your fat ass around and simultaneously GO FUCK YOUR SELF. Much better investment IMO.
Now lets talk about your obvious lack of intuition and social IQ – The Ronnie Coleman/Wal-Mart belt thing was for JOKES, you know… shits and giggles. It’s called sarcasm. See how others get that and you don’t? Yeah it’s because you’re a LOSER. You were born a loser, you will stay a loser and you will DIE a loser. Winners don’t spend $21-grand to lose weight, they train with a real trainer and get REAL results like ALL of my ex-clients.
And also, WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU to call other people weaker-willed when your ass was topping 323 pounds while you stuffed your face with bullshit. Do you remember those days? Do you? When you were lonely and all you did was EAT because you had no will power to do shit about it? Yeah, feel the pain bitch… next time don’t call other people what you WERE. You are a living contradiction, a blind fool who believed that a $21 thousand dollar solution to weight loss was even remotely sane.
So before I destroy your self esteem to the point of nothingness, I’d suggest you get a fucking life. Remember, just because you’re the size of 3 people doesn’t mean you need to PRETEND to be 3 people.
July 23, 2010
#31
loading...
Well let me tell you ! …. I have lost now 82 pounds by myself working my ass off in the gym and i had gained that damn weight by taking a birth control that altered the chemical balances in my body because my body was having a reaction to this birth control so i went from a super confident woman to a shy less outgoing person. I buckled down and in a year i was me again and now im super fit. ON THE OTHER HAND !!! My cousin did this surgery because she had a binge eating disorder so her psychological issue needed to be addressed so with a therapist and getting the band done she lost 108 pounds so in certain cases it is a last resort a last option but for her its what she needed to do. Realistically there is not many people like her there is a lot of lazy people.
August 17, 2010
#32
loading...
It’s never a last resort options. Depressed individuals with no confidence can alter their moods with certain safe supplements (note: NOT medications) and then follow a smart program to lose the pounds.
And congrats to you for losing the weight.
August 4, 2010
#33
loading...
FitJerk you are fucking hilarious! People who come on here to bash you have no life and way toooo much time on their hands…maybe if they spent their time working out instead of bashing you, maybe – just maybe – they wouldn’t be lonely, miserable and still fat. For $21,000 you can get lipo and a tummy tuck – plus still afford a nutritionist and trainer to get you started in the right path. Oh and by doing lipo – you don’t have some plastic shit sitting in your gut and some doctor controlling your eating habits. Get off your asses and improve your lives with healthy eating and working out. No excuses.
August 17, 2010
#34
loading...
I know, I should be a god damn comedian. But I’m too good looking for that. Yeah I duno how much lipo costs since I don’t even concern myself with that nonsense but it’s probably a better option than this… considering the price.
August 18, 2010
#35
loading...
So I was surfing the net for slimband costs, and I happend to come across your blog. I`ve read the messages you`ve posted, (as well as the other messages) and I gave my head a shake! What the fuck was I thinking! I was a fitness freak 10 years ago, and I looked amazing. But since then, I’ve been through a bad marriage, gained weight and I’m ten years older. I was seriously thinking about the slimband but something held me back. I know it’s not the right way, because I’ve lost weight the right way. It’s just that now I’ve got the extra weight, it’s tougher to get back into it. I need that motivation again to get me started. What is the etraining you’ve mentioned? I have started going back to the gym on my lunch hour, doing a half hour of cardio. Can you help me.