First of all… the whole term “lose weight” is false. Even when people really really mean it, no one actually wants to lose “weight”. They want to lose the fat. Unattractive, jiggly, mushy, gross fat. Muscle is advantageous in almost every way, which is why you never hear most (intelligent) people say “i want to lose quality mass”.
Now that we’ve made that distinction very clear, let me show you a new, revolutionary and completely retarded way of “losing weight”. I mean, late night infomercials have come up with some real doozies over the past, but this new method is taking shit to a whole new level.
It’s called SlimBand™, and after you gasp in shock of the process involved, I’ll give you a cheap $10 alternative which will mimic it’s process just in case you were curious.
So what’s SlimBand™? Well since the official site is completely dodgy about the details, let me sum it up for you: They take some sort of band (pic not shown on website) and surgically implant it around your waist. Then, they periodically keep tightening it… I assume so that it makes you “feel full” at all times. But that’s not all… you get a 4 year after care program where nutritionists help you eat a healthy diet and help you get active.
Oh and it gets better, here’s an excrept from the site: “Immediately following your surgery, with the post-op menu guidelines, you may find that you lose weight fairly quickly. After the healing period, when you return to your normal diet, you should lose between one to two pounds per week…”
Really? 1-2 pounds/week is what you are suggesting they will lose after an expensive surgical weight loss procedure? Listen assholes, I’ve helped people drop 3-4 lbs in one week without surgically implanting a suffocating belt around their fucking waist with E-Training. Oh and for a fraction of the cost!
Let’s dig in even further…
It’s important that the Slimband™ be properly adjusted, and that you follow our recommendations so you can lose those excess pounds and achieve your goal weight. Ultimately, the amount of weight you lose depends on you, keep in mind that the Slimband™ is a tool. If you maintain healthy food choices, start becoming more physically active, and have your Slimband™ routinely adjusted, you should not gain any weight back, even a few years after surgery. When using the Slimband™ properly, weight loss is a long-term and sustainable result.
Really? You know what else is sustainable? A HEALTHY FUCKING LIFESTYLE that doesn’t revolve around a belt implanted in your gut. Also notice how they say “if you maintain healthy food choices”… guess what dumbasses? If people did maintain healthy food choices in the past, then this wouldn’t be a problem in the fist place. So what makes you think they will pick up these food choices after having an uncomfortable band in their bodies?
The solution is to get their ass moving and TEACHING them how to develop a healthy habit… which will last long enough to go with them to the grave.
On top of all this, their claims for “weight loss” results aren’t any better than some of the faddish diet programs. Why would you pay 10x the amount? Ok to be fair I don’t know the exact amount it costs for this outrageous procedure, but it’s fair to say that you’ll go thin just thinking about the price.
I mean, they don’t mention the cost up front – you have to take a “consultation” so a sales person will call you, make you feel like shit till you give in. Perfect.
Home Made SlimmingBand Solution
Ok so let’s say that for some preposterous reason, you want to consider the SlimBand™ because you can’t seem to apply the advice on this blog. What to do? Well I have a solution for you… use your own “slimming” belt! Grab a simple, extra long $10 belt from Wal-Mart and then tie it around your gut. Not so tightly that you can’t breathe, but tight enough to cause some tension and slight discomfort. Keep this on you 8 hours a day. Ta-Da!
After thinking about it for a while, I realized that my insanely sarcastic idea might actually be effective to some degree. Ronnie Coleman recently used this exact method, but with a proper weight belt. He tied it around his waist and actively squeezed his abdominals throughout his entire workouts… even when he didn’t need the belt. Since body builders train 2x a day (or in a long single session) it’s fair to say that he had the belt on tight for a few hours at a time.
On top of that, the fact that he actively squeezed his abdominals was a given that something had to give. And what do you know… he had nothing but great things to say about the results.
Whether this is just bro-science or actually works is beyond me since I’ve never had to resort to such absolute nonsense… but it’s common sense that the size of your gut does expand outward during heavy meals. So a cheap $10 belt solution just might be worth a shot if all else fails.
Try and out and see what happens… just please, stay away from a crazy surgical procedures. If you are hell bent on surgery, then why not go all the way and just do lipo? Makes sense to me.
UPDATE:
After some further research, I found out exactly how this band works and the surgical procedure. Check out the video below…
Still doesn’t change my opinion. How about you?
- FitJerk
This entire article is merely my opinion as “FitJerk” and exercises my god-given right to free speech. I am in no way affiliated, related to or work for SlimBand™, nor do I have any agenda towards them. All images belong to their respective owners that hold the copyright. Greed infested lawyers… don’t bother trying to fuck with me. Thank you.
February 8, 2010
#1
People actually believe this crap? And they pay for surgery? I think I’ve been to a doctor twice since I was a child, and one was because I had pneumonia. I hate the thought of surgery, especially for something like this!
And how on earth did they come up with this? Did they sit there late at night thinking “what’s the most ridiculous thing we could do to screw people into thinking they’re going to lose weight”?
I have never heard of the Slimband until I read this, and when I first heard the name I thought it was going to be something along the lines of the Flex Belt or something, but this is beyond nuts.
And pretty much every one of those infomercial product says it works “with diet and exercise”. Interesting, since proper diet & exercise alone will burn off all the fat you want…
This kind of stuff downright pisses me off.
Shawn
P.S. I love the little disclaimer at the end
February 25, 2010
#2
Not just believe, people actually fall for this crap. Spend thousands of dollars and then you have to watch your eating habits later on anyways.
FAIL.
February 8, 2010
#3
Love the blog post! I see these ads all day long and just can’t get it!
February 9, 2010
#4
Yeah that’s kind of how I stumbled up on this shit. Kept bugging me so I decided to check it out… then I almost threw up with disgust. Anyways, updated the post with video if you want to know what the procedure looks like.
February 9, 2010
#5
I lol’ed at your disclaimer. bravo.
February 9, 2010
#6
Any more details on Colemans technique ?
I have abs… my problem is that since i did a year of weighted ab training they clearly protrude… With a tshirt you could think its fat…
Please a detailed article with all the techniques to FLATTEN my 6 pack…
February 25, 2010
#7
No, I don’t have any further details. But I assume there isn’t much to it. When you train frequently, your muscles DO feel firmer and harder. The details as to why is complicated but know that this is the idea behind the technique.
You are CONSTANTLY flexing and squeezing those abs. I actually tried this out for the past week and the 7th and 8th pack are almost visible with 0 diet changes. Incredible stuff… so I now consider Ronnie’s method personally verified.
As for your specific problem, you need to change your eating habits. I train with heavy weights for abs and I don’t have a protruding stomach. Are you sure you ain’t bloated or some shit? 90% of problems can be nailed by looking at the food log. Try this method and report back as to the results you see.
February 9, 2010
#8
Oh my god!
What’s next? I just can’t believe that someone is actually doing this. It’s just sick.
February 10, 2010
#9
Love the disclaimer as well!
I know some people get the lapband surgery & other procedures like that & it does work to help them IF they follow the rules & also realize the consequences & eat right & exercise after it.
BUT, this crap & all the BS that goes along with it & people that do this without even trying to do the hard work . It is an excuse for many not to do the hard stuff.
I had never heard of this!
February 13, 2010
#10
I’ve tried various low-carb, low-calorie, and low-fat diets for the past couple of years. Although the Atkins diet is very popular, it made me feel somewhat unhealthy.
The diet plan I’m on right now is the Medifast Diet. The caloric intake is roughly 800-1000 calories. However, it doesn’t make my body feel weak. It is a bit of a pricey diet, but there are plenty of coupons available on the internet.http://www.swoopup.com/stores/deals/Medifast-Diet
.You should never pay full price.
My advice is just choose a diet plan which your body reacts positively to. No one knows your body better than you do!
February 15, 2010
#11
Very nice and informative article, let me share my fitness story with dear readers. I used to be very fit and athlete, but with the passage of time I became lazy and developed a habit of eating and sleeping along with no exercise. Which deposited around 25 – 30 Kilo of fat into my stomach, face, legs and all over my body? Everyday when I looked in the mirror I had thought today I will start exercising, which was clearly a false promising to myself, again with the passage of time I realized now enough is enough I have to do something to get rid of this fat. So I stepped on to the thread mill and started running 40 Minutes everyday at 9 Miles per hour. Right after finishing a marathon every day I then take the free weight and start building my shoulders and biceps, chest and etc. 3 Days continues exercise and 2 days rest which continued over the period of 3 months and I have now lost 22 Kilo of fat and I have started to look young and energetic once again. I recommend everyone who is facing the same symptoms of fatness try to get fit, it is really easy and not difficult at all. Thank you
February 17, 2010
#12
I always thought that this was for people grossly overweight (like 500 lbs.) who have failed with non-surgical fat and weight loss methods. My understanding is that it can be removed once it has served its purpose.
February 25, 2010
#13
Even IF you are grossly overweight, you will still have to watch what you eat, you will still have to perform physical activity etc. I believe it can be removed but why insert it in the first place? The point is that if you are going to have a surgical procedure done… might as well go with one that takes the fat away instantly. The cost to effort ratio with Slimband makes absolutely NO sense. Specially with the weight loss claims.
February 24, 2010
#14
Man it is sad to see what the world has come to, at least in the US. People don’t even try any more …. Screw effort, you can change your life with surgery!
I know someone who’s had the surgery and is gaining weight back. Funny, none of that shit works until you change mentally.
February 25, 2010
#15
They gained it back eh? Hah, why am I not surprised. Big ups for sharing.