Every week I’ll go joke hunting and bring you jokes that “I” think are fucking hilarious. Why? Because laughter is an AWESOME ab workout. There is nothing better than laughing your brains out till your stomach feels like it will implode.
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A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?”
The husband replied, “All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry.”
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, “What are you thinking now?”
He replied, “It looks as if I did a pretty good job.”
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As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.”
She removes all her clothing and asks, “Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?”
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, “Here, iron this!”.
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This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window…
He tells her to off take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
“Do you know what I am doing?” asks the doctor?
“Yes, checking for abnormalities.” she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, “Do you know what I am doing now?”, she replies, “Yes, checking for cancer.”
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, “Do you know what I am doing now?”
She replies, “Yes, getting herpies!
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A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, “My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!”. The cat says, “I don’t think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter.” The penis outraged, says “At least your master doesn’t put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!”
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If those didn’t crack you up… then all hope’s lost because the last time I checked you couldn’t buy a sense of humor. Nope, not even on eBay.
- FitJerk
P.S- If you’ve got any funnies, post em below. No joke is too dirty for FJ’s blog. And I could always use more for the collection.
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October 26, 2009
#1
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ok.. i got two for ya!!
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
while he’s in there, the husband tells his wife: “listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! he probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. i saw how he kissed your neck. if he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. this guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I Love You.”
to which the wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong, honey. I LOVE YOU TOO!!!
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A mexican man tells his wife.. When I die, cremate me and put me in your salsa. She asks Why? to which he replies…
So I can tear that ass up one more time!!! >:)
have a great week FJ!!!!
October 26, 2009
#2
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Haha, those are fucking hilarious, thanks for sharing. Crazy Mexicans… gotta love em’.
October 26, 2009
#3
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now if you had a banana picture it’d make this article even more rated r and dirrrrrrrtyyyyy
October 27, 2009
#4
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You have tons of them, can I steal one? Preferably the one with pb smothered over the er… “tip”. I duno if it was your camera angle but that picture was funny.
Probably only to me… and you.
October 27, 2009
#5
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still got it…probably for that reason.
November 2, 2009
#6
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Hey FJ,
Just read your jokes. Will you be offended if I say you are a complete Jackass?
With all due respect of course:)
November 5, 2009
#7
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@Debbie
You can call me a Jackass… but why on this post? I was just the joke provider not the creator.
You’re hurting my feelings and stuff. Stop that shit.
November 9, 2009
#8
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The more I read it, the more it impresses me. I don’t know how I ever worked without hilarious and funny things in our life, Life would be so much easier especially when there’s a jokes here and there. Being funny is nice because a lot of serious people are lacking with this kind of behavior that is why they are much look older. I would like to thank you for your outstanding blog post. Keep it up! Awesome!